“Books make great gifts because they have whole worlds inside them, and it’s much cheaper to buy somebody a book than it is to buy them the whole world.” — Neil Gaiman

Aprillia, how's life?

Life hasn't been good enough to me these couple of days. I was super busy with school, remedials, film project and blah blah blah. About school, oh you don't know how much I suck ar math and science. I'm not proud of saying it, but unfortunately, I don't have a mathematical cell in my brain. I'm quite logical though, I'm not totally st00pid. I guess I don't try hard enough in math because I just don't feel the need to.

My 9th grade friends planned to go to Dufan this week, and I was given some responsibilities that makes me busier and somehow I have to come home late which my parents dislike so they keep bragging about my curfew. My parents, they can be total shits, but that's what parents do right?

So, I’m giving two things a try:

• Control
• Balance

This does not change anything, on the outside, everything will appear the same, the wheel is still rolling. It’s just that lately I found myself in a bit of an emotional mess, yea, it’s not my actions I’m controlling, and balancing, but the head and heart. If this gets me nowhere, then it’s back to wreck.

These past few weeks have been weird.

Come to think of it, this year has been a stranger to me.

Everyone's changing, everything is. Or maybe it's just me? Which ever is right, I really don't like how things are going. Yeah, I've been sounding like such a pessimist lately. With all those posts about how shit my life seems.

It's not shit. It just seems like it is. I may not have been going through the things anyone else has been through, but for me what I'm going through right now isn't so pleasant. Maybe I'm acting a bit too weird, thinking everyone's not being their usual self. But yeah, I have my opinions and you have yours.

I've realized how many manipulators and fakes I know. You can judge me about how I am, whether I'm a bullshitter or a moaner moaning about my life.

But really, trying to get close to someone just cause you're asking for something? Or trying to put on a miserable face just to ask for everyone's sympathy is simply pa-the-tic. The worst part is, you don't even realize what you're doing and how its affecting everyone around you. But trust me, somewhere out there somehow, someone will realize it for you.

One thing's for sure, it's really hard to trust someone. Or at least know that they'll be there for you no matter what. Don't get me wrong, my friends are awesome and I thank all of you guys for that. But some, just some others? One moment they talk to you, the next they don't even know you exist.

Sometimes, I wish time machines do exist just so that I could go back to those days. Make those good times repeat itself just once. Everything's going too quick and I'm not ready for them to end yet.

Three words: I Hate Changes.

He knows I still can’t let go of some of my past, I guess he can’t either. He would ditch his friends to see me even for a second, just to say the most unimportant things. He would walk all the way up, just to take me back down again. He would do the silliest things to make me laugh. He would take me out to have lunch or dinner, and make me eat everything. He would take me on a walk and talk about his future plans, making me jealous. He would do something embarrassingly stupid, that makes me laugh my ass off. He would annoy me so much, and eventually beg for forgiveness. He would apologize for having his friends accompany us, after I was the one who asked them to join, and his friends were my friends too. He would talk about how he dreamed of going to unknown places. He would tell me unimportant things, but then he got me interested. He would play revenge on me if I laugh at how silly he used to look. He sings in the group recital with me, with the highest pitch he is capable of. He would offer his food to me, in order to swap with the one I was currently un-enjoying. He would hide his past, even though he knows I don’t mind, just in case. He would be the one to end my day, and the one to start my day.

He is the reason that, sometimes it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

Temporarily?

I'm having one of those days, you know? When you have nothing to do but eat, then after you eat, you having nothing to do anymore, so you eat again, and then all you end up doing is search through the pantry for more food, and eat.

Someone please knock me out of this madness.

9-B

These people are the people I've gotten through my last year of Middle School with. I love them so much.

There's always those people in your life who comes and goes. As close as you are with them, it always ends with small things which leads up to some struggles. We've been going through a lot of that, but it won't stop us. Lost one person, not planning on losing another one.

With them, I've experienced those crazy times, sad, memorable, unforgettable, and without doubt, they're one of the best things I've ever had in my life.

One of them taught me what real bestfriends are, one of them taught me how to dress, one of them taught me to be stronger, they taught me right from wrong, and weak from strong, that's a lot to learn.

Even though those wonderful middle school years are gone but in my mind and heart I know our times together will still live on and on.

I know they'll always be there for me. When I just feel like running away, I'll call them and tada! They'll take me to some place and we'll talk til we get calls from home. When I wanted someone to listen to what I say, they're willing to stay on the phone with me, even if it'll take hours. When I want to have fun, they'll take me out, take some shots and have a blast.

Well, no matter what happens, they'll still remain my number one. They're the people I'll always remember even though I'm an old grumpy grandma with 20 grandchildrens. Got it?

I miss you guys and you have no idea how much I do.

PS: Some of 9-B might not be in this picture but I love them all, and miss them to bits.

:)

Come to think of it, I’ve made so many amazing friends here, they care so much.

I am so rateful.

I also have friends, life support, heroes in Jakarta, Surabaya, Makassar and even the USA. They’re always there to pick me up, even from a thousands of miles away.

I’m a lucky girl.

Young man

I don’t know what it is about you. We’ve taken our paths, and our love’s been long unspoken of, but you’re still the only one who could bring me higher than towers, and break me down beyond sorrow and regret’s depths.

You’re my dormant volcano that erupts without mercy.

Men, they play peculiar roles in my life. I love them as brothers, as friends, as lovers. You’re the main character, one who spends not much time before the audience, but when you do, you leave everyone in gasps and sighs, me, my heart in pieces, or more alive than ever.

It’s been so long, and I question why I have still so much. Others, many have auditioned for your part, and they have been amazing, but none nearly as enlightening to my heart as you.

I learn now though that it does not change anything. You’ll forever be the main role, you’ll forever own the stage, even if you’re not on it.

I oath not to forget the adolescent romance, love, memories, I can’t change the fact that everything I said above is true. I realize now that there is no longer a point to what I am writing. Girl wants to move on, boy will always haunt girl, that’s it.

So here she is, walking into the great unknown.

I surrender myself now to the world, to hedonism and insanity.

Picture the moment when your mom or dad first saw you as something other than a pretty, tiny version of them. You as them, but improved. Better educated. Innocent. Then picture when you stopped being their dream.
- Chuck Palahniuk (Rant)

There’s a boy across the river with short black curly hair. He wants to be my lover and I want to be his peer. There’s a boy across the river but alas I cannot swim. And I never will get to put my arms around him.
- Laura Marling